Dates Gone Wrong #2: Country Dancing

I lived in an apartment with three other girls. My friend and I lived in the two back rooms. The others were friends and lived in the front rooms.

One day, my roommate asked us, "Who wants to go country dancing?"

My roommate's friend didn't volunteer, and it should have been a red flag, but I wanted to try something new. I'd never been country dancing in my life. Maybe I would like it better? Maybe there wouldn't be guys galloping in circles around the dance floor with their arms tucked into their chests like rabbits.

I dressed in jeans and a t-shirt. No country western style at all, but my roommate said it was okay. We headed to the parking garage, but my roommate bypassed the door. She said a friend of hers was coming, too. I was like, "Okay." Why not be more social and meet new people? I might like it. We headed to another apartment and she knocked on the door. A guy came out. Now I thought, "I guess I'm a weird tag-a-along?" She asked him if he had brought his friend. He looked me up and down, and said yes. He pulled out the saddest looking dude I ever did see. Was this an ambush double date?

They dragged me and this calf-to-the-slaughter, and threw us in the back seat of a car. The guy, my date, whatever he was, stared at me for a few seconds before rolling into a ball in a corner. He stared at his knees while my roommate introduced us to one another. She said we had better be good back there, and cackled like we'd actually make out. I waved at him, but I think he was studiously chewing his tongue off. I was trapped in the backseat with a loser, on my way to an unknown, unfamiliar destination out in the middle of nowhere.

We reached some dive of a gym somewhere in the dark and I had to pay five bucks to get in. Nobody told me it was five bucks! And I had to sign my phone up to receive texts from them or they wouldn't let me in.

For some reason, we were so early they hadn't even started the dance yet. All the lights were on. People stared at me like I was some sort of undiscovered specimen. Everybody but me was dressed in country western apparel. Ever have a day when you begin to realize your roommate is a spawn of the devil?

My roommate and her date ushered me and the calf to a line of people learning a line dance. Then they ran off somewhere. I looked at my date and he trembled at me, and then he ran, yes, RAN, into the bathroom. He never came out.

My roommate returned half an hour later and asked where he was.

"He's been in the bathroom for the last thirty minutes," I said.

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. Jacking off. Taking a dump. He never came back."

She marched into the men's bathroom and dragged him out by the arm. She forced us into the line dance and left us again. Why did I do these things to myself? I could have been at home, watching stupid videos like a dork.

We were supposed to learn how to do dips. It looked so elegant and cool how the teacher did it. Low and behold, the calf got bold. He offered to dip me, and promptly dropped me on the floor. He turned so red I thought he would retreat to the bathroom. But he didn't. It was no longer a safe haven if my roommate could breach the safety of its nasty, little borders.

Instead, he made his escape when the lights dimmed. I blinked my eyes and he'd vanished like a troll among the trees. I was left to find my own dance partner in the midst of endless couples on their weekend dates. I found one, despite the calf and being dropped in front of dozens of people. He was much cuter than the calf. For one thing, he was taller than me. My roommate was quite shocked that I was dancing with someone. Just as I began enjoying myself, my roommate said we had to go home.

After they hunted for the calf, I was tossed back into the car with it. I was so glad to be going home, but they didn't go home. They wanted to stop for ice cream first. Nobody had said anything about ice cream. I didn't want ice cream. The stuff made me sick. And I certainly didn't want to share it with a calf who spent its dates alone in bathrooms.

"I used up all my money getting into the dance," I cried. "Drop me at the apartment and you can go without me."

My roommate laughed and said the calf was going to pay for me. The calf never offered. She offered for it. I was horrified. I stared at the shivering bovine as it nodded with limp mouth. My roommate then demanded why we weren't talking and insisted that the calf speak to me. She had no idea one cannot hold a conversation with a calf.

Could I throw myself out of the moving vehicle? Hopefully they wouldn't stop somewhere for romantic shenanigans. People never ate ice cream so slow! The date finally ended near midnight and I fled to my room. I never jumped for one of my roommate's scheming invitations again, especially if it involved baby bovines.

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