Child Care #1: Keeping Your Rez Baby Clean

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You're walking down the street, feeling good, and then you come across a creature with matted hair, stained clothes, booger infested face and smelling of some serious crap. There's some sort of red residue all over its hands and face that smells suspiciously of pure sugar. Pieces of crud from the ground its playing on is stuck to its body and its still licking its fingers with a mouth that hasn't seen water all day. What is this?! What sewer hole did this tiny monster crawl out of? Then you realize that it's a baby! And then you realize that it's YOUR baby. You've created a miniature Frankenstein. Don't you know that gross babies grow up into gross adults?

It's called a rag, people! Wipe up that kid, change its diaper for crying out loud! Didn't you know dirty diapers create rash? And rashes create sores. And then the crap gets into the sores and somebody's butt is getting cut off.

And now that you know you're supposed to take care of the baby, keep a clean rag nearby, give the baby water instead of ice cream and guaranteed you'll have a happier baby that isn't always crying. Wash the kid regularly. Seriously, nobody wants to love something that will leave a film on them. Change its nasty clothes. The way some imbeciles act, they think a baby can take care of itself, build bridges and fly to the moon all at the same time.

As for the rash, you don't need to buy expensive ointments. You'll just grow broke and the baby will keep crying. Here's what you do. Every time you change the diaper, soap up the baby's bottom with a clean rag and rinse. The rash will go away faster than anything, even if it was bleeding.

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