How to be street smart when you're street dumb #4: Pets

Almost everybody loves animals. Some even go so far as to think they are people. They give them all the best things in life, they love them even more than their own kids, and it's getting to the point where killing a person is better than killing an animal. All this delusion happens only in the people world. The animals know what they are and where they stand.

For example: bears love meat. Dogs are pack animals. Cats are cunning.

On that note, suppose you go to the country. You take your little rat dog with you, a rat dog you think protects you with all the might it has in its little, annoying body. How utterly cute! If you're being attacked by another rat anyway.

Well, the little rat starts whining to go to the bathroom. So you take it out. It's night, there are trashcans right up against the forest. The little rat dog won't bother anyone there. The country is so nice, nothing ever happens. So you go out to the trashcans with your little rat who starts yipping up the most annoying storm you've ever heard.

"What's the matter?" you ask stupidly and don't leave.

Well, there's a bear in the trashcans, and the bear can't stand your little rat dog anymore than your neighbor who pretends to like it. The bear jumps out, not intent on eating you, but shutting the rat dog up. But what do you do? You throw yourself between the bear and the rat dog who runs away. So much for man's best friend. Now you're butt is eaten and you lose thirty pounds instantly. Maybe you die, or maybe you spend the last three months of your life in agony, cooped up in a hospital with wires sticking out of you and a nasty doctor who is too touchy feely. Maybe you survive and spend the rest of your miserable existence wishing you were dead. And where is your rat dog? Why, you're still bending backwards for it and it still lives in luxury.

People come first, that's all you need know!

When you go hiking, make sure the smallest person is in the middle and stay together. Big cats, wolves and wild dogs love trailing unsuspecting snacks. They're the easiest to get and boy is their meat tender! Baby flesh is their delicacy.

If you do see a big cat, everybody stay together, yell real loud and toss rocks. If you see a bear, get into a big group, each person make yourself as big as possible and rush the bear, yelling as loud as you can. It should run away because you are now the bigger predator. This only works with black bears because they will eat you. Play dead for Grizzly Bears and hopefully you'll be okay. Wolves and dogs are a different story. The mutts rove in packs. Wolves are usually afraid of people, but if not, that's all she wrote. Wild dogs are worse because most of them have been pets and then abandoned, therefore they are not afraid of people. They'll chase you up a tree, they chase bears up trees.

Those need to be shot, end of story.

Be careful of animals. Treat them as animals and not people. You can never reason with an animal. Think of it and don't become the next guest on "I Was Bitten."

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