How to be street smart when you're street dumb #9: At Home

It's been a great day, you're at home now, you just ate a wonderful dinner and the movie at the theater was actually un-butchered. And then you hear the water go on outside. Why did the hose go on when you're the only one in the house? Well, what to do? Will you go outside to turn it off? NO!! Somebody who doesn't belong to your house turned on the hose. Maybe it's the brat next door, maybe it's your dumb friend trying to scare you--or maybe it's a murderer that's decided he wants to mark you on his arm like Victor Zaas! It's a common technique for killers. So where is your yapping dog? It's not yapping because the one who turned the hose on is your dog's friend. Either that or the killer fed antifreeze to your dog. Either way, you're screwed.

Now suppose the hose doesn't turn on? Suppose you hear a poor, defenseless baby crying on your doorstep or just outside your window. You rush to help the poor thing and you find a tape recorder instead. Well you're the next horror story in the canal next week. So don't go out to save the baby, call the cops. Let them find the recorder. If it's an actual kid, you've not only saved the kid, but kept yourself safe as well. And there is another thing you can also think of: Bigfoot. He can sound like a crying baby, too. So next time you hear a crying baby outside, think of Bigfoot, call the cops and keep your butt in the house. Seriously, everyone looks for Bigfoot, but do you really want to see him? Only if you're an idiot. And if you're an idiot you'll go outside to turn off the hose or save the tape recorder.

If the cops don't show up, you better hope you live in a state that hasn't outlawed guns. Not only does it mean you can't shoot, it means your death is going to be really, REALLY painful. And so, in conclusion, stay in the house, make sure you're not out of minutes and keep a landline. Those never run out of minutes.